Living Life As A Zombie

Most people don't think twice about getting up in the morning, making coffee, going for a walk or run, going to PTA meetings, going to school, working a 12 hour day or keeping a house clean. These people are called "normal."  People like me (definitely abnormal) are those with multiple health issues. I am usually not able to do any of these things with any regularity or clarity.

Being a prisoner in my own body is something most people cannot understand. Just the idea of the body and the person being two different entities is not a common notion. But for those of us with chronic pain or illnesses, we need to remember that we are not just our body. In my head, I am an active person who loves to dance, sing, walk, play, see and do. DO--now there's a notion! I cannot do. You do--you don't even have to think about doing. I long to do, but what I do do is more of a non-existence than a life. Unless you've been here, you do not understand.

What illnesses have made me such of a non-person?  A nasty spine condition called DDD (degenerative disc disease) and an even nastier illness called Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  DDD is an accepted disease; it is basically an advanced deterioration of the discs in the spine. They are dry and crumbling.  I am allowed to be in pain because of this. It is legitimate.

Fibromyalgia, on the other hand, is not a legitimate disease. It used to be considered a psychological problem for which doctors prescribed exercise and to "buck up" when you explained your symptoms.  It is now accepted among many doctors in urban areas but I know many very sick people who are still being told that they need psychological help.

Researchers have made great strides in figuring out why some people (usually female) have so much pain, fatigue and myriad of other related issues.  Almost two years ago, researchers found proof of genetic chronic fatigue, and now researchers have found a super-virus (a retrovirus, which is what AIDS is) in two separate studies of people with CFS and FMS. AH!!! To be validated...what a relief. Doctors have not yet accepted these studies because they have been unable to replicate these studies, but it is inevitable that researchers will find the reason for this illness as there are millions of us out here who will pay (the key word) to have our health and energy levels restored to some semblance of our former selves.

Fibromyalgia has turned me into a zombie more than DDD. The pain and many affects it has on my body are truly live-altering. There are no meds that cure it and few meds that really help. The real problem, fatigue, just isn't accepted in our society. We are made to feel lazy and negative. We are accused of not trying hard enough, not caring enough, not being involved.

It has taken a long time and many psychologists for me to accept (for now) being zombie-like, but those around me have for the most part not accepted my illness. They either say they don't understand what's wrong with me or they say I'm just not trying hard enough. I have become a recluse, a person who does as much as she can only during the hours of 3pm to 3am, when I am semi-awake. I think my nervous system is so messed up that I can't deal with the daytime crowd and so I am living life backwards.

That is my first rant. Now that I have that out of the way, I can talk about my day-to-day life which consists of my dogs, my bedroom and armchair, doctors' appointments, my mother, sister, and many friends. For those who suffer from chronic illnesses, hang in there as there are so many good moments in life to appreciate.